I was dealing with clients this week who have been divorced for over a year but still continue to fight and both remain unhappy about their divorce. If you are in my office the relationship did not work out as planned. However, your divorce does not need to drag on and you down with it.
You do have a history with this person and at some point it’s what you wanted. You have a life that was built together and most likely a family but emotional baggage doesn’t just go away. I have put together some helpful tips giving a different perspective on handling the divorce process.
AT ONE TIME YOU DID LOVE ONE ANOTHER.
Keeping the perspective that you once loved your ex spouse and repeating this to yourself as you work through the process creates a less antagonistic atmosphere and produces more productive results.
Anger and bitterness create unrealistic and unreasonable decisions so include some history and empathy and this will goes a long way toward closure.
YOU ABSOLUTELY HAVE A RIGHT TO BE ANGRY AND HURT.
While lawyers are not the proper “counselors” to handle your feelings of anger and pain, most of us know amazing therapists trained to help you work through those feelings.
Through my collaborative law circles I know and work with counselors of many kinds – individual, family counselors, and even divorce coaches who specifically address issues you face with divorce.
Deal with your anger elsewhere, not with your lawyer or against your partner or spouse through the divorce. You will end up making life long decisions with sometimes terrible consequences, or worse – leave it to a judge whose decisions only impact you – not him or her.
Be angry and hurt, it’s part of the process of healing but do your self a favor and talk with someone who can help you deal with those feelings and move on with your life.
LIFE IS TOO SHORT
The soonest you can get divorced is 91 days after you file the Petition for Dissolution, but some people manage to tie up one, three, five plus years getting divorced.
Most courts will get you to a hearing within the year. However, if you get a Court decision you don’t like or otherwise make agreements out of anger or haste, then you end up filing post decree motions to open the case again for more litigating. WHY? Life is too short! If you have to get divorced, get it resolved. Restructure your family from a mind set of new beginnings – not burning bridges.
There is no point in dragging it out, the outcome is never better than if you would have settled quickly at the beginning.
YOUR KIDS HAVE 2 PARENTS
This premise is more often than not speaking to the “Momma Bears” out there. Even happily married I am guilty of this.
“No one can parent better than me.”
“I know what’s best for them – no one else does”
and the one that gets us in most trouble…. “they need me.”
Of course they need you! They also need their other parent. While it is true I can identify the primary caretaker and “boss” in one parent, I so often see why kids have 2 of us. Balance. You “Momma Bear” must share. Your child has the right to be loved by both parents and to be parented by both of you in different ways.
By deciding to divorce you relinquished the right to control all of the decisions for your child (provided the other parent is not dangerous or harmful to the kids) and monopolize their time.
YOU MUST MOVE FORWARD
In my mediation practice, so often the clients want to discuss the “terrible” things that have happened.
“She shopped away our savings”
“He never took care of the kids”
“She doesn’t let the kids participate in activities.”
“He doesn’t pay for their activities.”
Often I look at my divorce clients or mediation clients and say.. “You can pay me and your attorney a million dollars and we can’t change who you married and chose to be the other parent for your children.”
You must move forward, restructure your family and save your children.
Take these premises to heart, share them with your ex spouse and share them with people you know are going through a divorce, it will help them.
If you need to talk to me about your situation please call or email me.
