Haters, Cheaters & Avoiders
How to identify who you are dealing with and handle your divorce effectively.
Right now, we are experiencing some highly contentious and emotional divorces.
There is so much anger, pain and fear many clients experience through their divorce. It goes without saying that most people divorcing have been dealing with or avoiding these same feelings for some time.
At Divorce In Colorado we try to find ways to simplify divorce for those struggling so deeply and emotionally. When clients can identify the issue – name it, see it, sit with it – they are often better able to lean into it and stop fighting. Note this is written as opinion and my professional experience. I am not trained in psychology and do not pretend to be. See below for some great recommendations.
The CHEATER is 1 of the most prominent personalities we see often during Divorce in Colorado. Here is what to do when you or your spouse may be a CHEATER.
THE CHEATER
Cheaters are most often known for having an affair but may have cheated in other ways too. Cheaters may hide money or spend it in ways unknown to their spouse, have emotionally significant relationships with others unknown to their spouse, possibly even with internet chat groups and sites.
Cheaters are known liars, making any hopes of divorce resolution extremely difficult because of the inability to trust or communicate. Cheaters often care as little about the divorce as they did the marriage, sometimes not wanting to deal with the divorce leaving a long process of waiting for the other party. Other cheaters get to a place of such deep guilt that “good-guy syndrome” takes over, leaving cheaters ready to walk from every asset of the marriage so they can move on now.
Cheaters are confused and often selfish wanting the best of both worlds – their marriage and security they have built while finding their joy in others instead of committing to making the marriage better or happy.
Whether getting caught or confessing, Cheaters often have an unrealistic perception that if the marriage fails and they divorce it is not their fault but the fault of the spouse who won’t stay.
If you are the admitted Cheater, marriage counseling is the first place to start. This is where you can determine if the marriage can survive the indiscretions or process the grief and closure in a way that will make divorce and likely co-parenting easier moving forward.
If you are set on leaving to pursue your life with the other person, finish your marriage first. Find a lawyer who will help you put the numbers and legal logistics of the separation agreement and parenting plan together as soon as possible in the most fair and equitable way possible. Move out before you move on. Failing to divorce once you or your spouse determines the marriage is over while trying to maintain your new relationship can create exceptional stress and anger for everyone.
If kids are involved, be very mindful and slow to bring them into your new life. Be empathetic that the new person will first be known as the one that ruined their family. As the ages of the children and relationships with each parent will separately determine how to best let them know how and what has happened – if at all – I strongly encourage you to work with a family therapist through the transition. This will keep you from creating more deception, having the scorned spouse interfere with your relationship with the children, and most importantly give your children an avenue to be heard and felt in a very safe and therapeutic way.
Of course, every person is different and there are many other personalities getting divorced. Selfishness is usually the place to start.
Here are some of our most trusted counselors many of our clients are working with to divorce successfully.
- Mike Brooks, http://applicablecoaching.com/
- Laura Saye: http://www.laurasaye.com/
- Amy Stambuk: http://www.thecoloradocenter.com/AESmain.html
- Dawn Gabriel: http://www.authenticconnectionscounseling.com/dawn.html
